Definition: the condition of having your feelings hurt due to someone being rude or showing a lack of respect.
The Spirit of Offense breaks up unity. It loves to conquer and divide. We see this is Proverbs 18:19 A brother offended (pasha) is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.
Pasha: to break away (from just authority), i.e., trespass, apostatize, quarrel, offend, rebel, revolt, transgression, transgressor.
Contention: is to have a heated argument. It puts bars or gaps between you and that person.
You become upset, and sometimes even disgusted by what that other person said or did. Then you create space away from that person.
“I can’t believe they would say that…don’t they….” or “OMG, I can’t believe they did that…how could…”
Most offences come from words, not actions. We are sometimes guilty of insensitive or careless communication—speaking before we engage our brains or intending harm or insult. “Getting things off our chest” brings forth the bitterness from rebellious hearts. And of course, there is also unkind communication. Do we ever stop to consider Ephesians 4:29 and ask ourselves, “Will this minister grace to those who hear me?”
Lingering offenses strain relationships between brothers and sisters in God’s family. Remember, we are members one of another, and that connection is damaged by offenses. Satan is out to destroy your Christian walk, divide believers, and weaken the body of Christ. He is an opportunist, and he will capitalize on any of our failures to widen any cracks that may appear in our walls.
It is easy to understand how offenses happen. An imperfect world, imperfect people, imperfect words are a recipe for offense. But knowing how it happens doesn’t make the offense much easier to deal with. Here are three possible ways to respond to offenses.
When someone upsets you, do you dwell on it, mentally listing all the things they do to annoy you? If so, you stoked your anger by remembering past grievances. Often, your reaction becomes greater than the actual offense. The bible tells us to “take every thought captive to obey Christ.” The next time you are upset with someone, don’t look back. Deal with only the issue at hand.
When others hurt us, accidentally, or on purpose, we have several choices we can make.
· Do nothing and let the offense take root!
We like to have “pity parties.” We rehearse the details over and over again, each time adding a little more negative thinking. It is not long before we have what the Bible calls a “root of bitterness” (Hebrews 12:14–15). This root will defile many—not just you. That little piece of flesh, the tongue, loves to share just how wronged we have been.
Letting that offense simmer unchallenged will destroy your relationship with the individual who wronged you. Some of you reading this have been offended by someone, and no matter what that person says or does, you internally question their intentions.
· Get Even!!
This one comes in a close second setting out to even the score. You decide to deliver hurt for hurt. Isn’t that biblical? “Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot” (Exodus 21:24). But let us also remember Romans 12:17 which says, “Recompense to no man evil for evil.”
· Respond Biblically! What would Jesus do?
God knows we will be offended, and He knows what will work for us in these difficult situations. “It is impossible but that offences will come” (Luke 17:1).
Reconciliation requires making yourself vulnerable by saying, “I have been hurt by you.” Our pride, however, does not want to admit that to anyone. Face it—some of us love the role of the martyr. We get a sense of gratification out of self-pity, so we nurture the “pain.”
Your offended spirit will not disappear until you take steps to biblically resolve the offense and you are willing to face that individual with the problem.
Take care of offenses regardless of what you think the cost may be. Re-read Matt 18:15. It may be the offending person has no idea he has offended and hurt you. Do not always think people are malicious and evil. They may have information to share with you about a situation which you did not know, and which may shed great light on things. They may even say, “I’m sorry, you are right, will you forgive me?” They hopefully will at least learn to be a little more sensitive. And best of all, you will have the peace of God because you have obeyed His Word.
As you ready yourself for “truth telling,” be sure you are ready for “truth hearing.” They may have some truth that you need to hear as well. I know we are so quick to throw up those defenses, “Hey, you have the wrong guy! I didn’t do it!” You must learn to accept their perception as valid and genuine from their viewpoint. Just because they are not you, nor do they see things as you do, does not mean they are wrong. And if someone comes to you with fear and trembling, why not ask the Lord to help you listen to their words with compassion and openness.
In handling offence that is directed at us, we have learned God’s prescribed method per Jesus’ teaching:
1. Go to the individual that offended you alone/privately. Do not broadcast it to others.
2. Make your approach in your conversation honestly, not vindictively or with anger.
3. Reprove and/or rebuke the behavior or offense but do not be offensive while doing so.
4. Seek to gain the brother or sister (reconcile and restore the relationship) rather than to take revenge.
5. Be aware of oversensitivity and insensitivity on your own part and on the part of the person.
6. Seek to grow in Spiritual Maturity:
a. Be prayerful and sensitive in how we approach, respond to and deal with each situation.
b. Be careful about how we treat one another. Seek to treat the other as you would wish to be treated.
c. Ask for God’s grace to develop the Spiritual vision to see offenses coming and not be drawn into them.
d. Pray for God’s grace to discern how to respond in a Godly way to specific situations and to specific people.
7. Follow the steps outlined in Matt 18:
a. Meet with the offender alone.
b. Next, if the problem remains unresolved, take one or two with you as witnesses and judges “that every word may be established.” The integrity of witnesses and judges is important. Objective persons will either seek to bring the offender to repentance or even possibly to advise you that you were wrong, or possibly overly sensitive to offence.
c. Always remember that the goal is not for you to win or get justice, but to “gain your brother”, by reconciling the relationship.
d. If the matter is still unresolved, take it to the church. When the offence is of such a nature that it requires this serious measure, we must remember that the goal is to “win the person” back to appropriate fellowship. Telling it to the church would involve taking the matter to spiritual leadership.
Offense can NOT coexist with love. It’s absolutely impossible. If there is true Godly love, then offense will not be able to ensnare you.
Prayer: Father, you forget my sin when you forgive me. Help me to stop negative experiences from taking root in my mind and in my heart. Instead, replace any bad thoughts with memories of times I have been blessed by you and the person offending me. Remind me to forgive quickly. In Jesus name, Amen.
Scripture Reference:
2 Corinthians 10:5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Matthew 18:15-17 “If another believer[a] sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.
Luke 17:3–5 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he trespasses against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him. And the apostles said unto the Lord, Increase our faith.
Proverbs 19:11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
1 Peter 2:23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.
Proverbs 17:9 Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.